IVF First Timer

Fate

Just had my follow up ultrasound before the iui - nurse seemed puzzled by the results in my chart from
yesterday. Apparently the nurse only measured 2 yesterday and the nurse today measured 3 bigger than 15, 1 was a 12, and 3 small ones. I still think 4 follicles is too low but I’m hoping my odds for success just got a teeny bump (maybe we moved from 2% to 4%?????).

I’m feeling much better today too - I have an amazing husband, best parents ever, and tons of supportive friends. I’m not dying, I have a great job, and if I can find a young healthy 5’10” Ivy league super model to give me 15 eggs - I’ll take it. If it can’t be mine, may as well be someone better :)

One Shot Left

I was right to be scared … body didn’t respond to stims and only had 3 follicles ready this morning in my final check up. I was able to hold it together for about 15 seconds after the nurse did the ultrasound but the second she walked out the door I started crying. I had the forethought to wear a ball cap today so when she came back and was surprised I wasn’t totally ready yet, I kept my head down while I finished lacing up my shoes. When I walked out and saw my hubby in the lobby, started crying again. I would say I’ve cried at least 6 times (#7 as I type - just can’t be helped!). Doc didn’t call for a few hours so we had time to talk and think (and calm down) and realized that I can’t do surgery, all the meds, etc. for only 3 follicles when all indications show they aren’t great quality (high FSH before we started).

I took the trigger shot within an hour of the doc calling me and I go back in the morning to do an IUI.

I keep crying like my life has ended or something. I also cried all through Grey’s Anatomy on Thursday night so clearly the meds have something to do with this. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I only have one chance left to conceive my own child and that one chance is sitting in a freezer across town.  After that it’s donor eggs … so yet another new frontier in the stressful world of infertility. I sure hope there is a 22 year old version of me in the greater LA area :)

What happens tomorrow?

I had a check-up yesterday and again, it wasn’t what I hoped for. Only 4 follicles that could be measured and 3 other small ones. My follow-up is tomorrow and I just know that we’re going to have to make the call if we want to continue if we only have 4 or 5 follicles. I weigh the pros and cons in my mind endlessly but can’t seem to figure out what I want to do so my brain then shouts “wait until tomorrow to decide!”.

So … on the one hand, this is my last chance with my follicles - not trying to be dramatic, just being realistic. So part of me says if these are your last chips to bet on, go all in and you either win or lose.

Then I see my credit card bill and the costs still to come with going “all in”. It’s not easy to bet $30k on 4 follicles that most likely aren’t the best quality knowing if this doesn’t work, I’ll turn around shell out even more for donor eggs. Plus I have one frozen embryo that can still be used - how does that fit into the equation?

Anyone have a crystal ball I can borrow?

:)

Out of my control

I’m a self admitted control freak - not to mention a planning and organizing freak. I like things to be a certain way :) So when it comes to IVF and having little to no control - I have to keep in mind even when things seem bleak, there may be a VERY good reason for it. Case in point, I had my second check up today and went from 13 small follies on Friday to only 7 today (one was a 10, all others were small). Apparently they don’t disappear and could be hiding behind other bigger ones but regardless, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was immediately concerned and my brain went into “what does this mean” overdrive as if my choose your own adventure path got thrown off course and new options were needed ASAP.

My husband and I reviewed the mountain of paperwork last night and realized that now that I’m 38, there are an additional $9k in tests they suggest. $9k???? Seriously???? After talking it out, we both agreed that having a healthy baby was top priority so if we needed to shell out $9k, we’d just have to find a way. So could today be God saying - you gave it a shot but save your money, cancel this cycle and go with donor eggs? It’s too soon to tell obviously but it’s oddly comforting to know that I’m doing everything in my power (so no regrets!) AND I have a backup plan. Last time we canceled it crushed me and I don’t want that - so if it looks like we’re getting a low response from my meds - I may be headed down a whole new path.

Pray for me!

Mothers Day

Just went to pick up lunch and as I was checking out, the cashier said “Thanks! And Happy Mothers Day”. I would have thought my reaction would be along the lines of feeling kicked in the shins but for some reason, I just beamed a truly happy smile and said thanks. There is a positive person hiding inside of me apparently that knows it will be true one day!

May Cycle buddies

I forgot to ask if I have any May cycle buddies out there (either full IVF or FET) - anyone? anyone?

Hopeful 13

Day 5 of stims today and had my first blood work and U/S. The nurse saw 7 little follies on one side and 6 on the other. She then exclaimed “you have a good number but they need to get with the program and grow!”. I’m getting acupuncture tonight and officially declaring it’s sundress / maxi dress season starting tomorrow as my bruised and bloated belly is getting ridiculous and jeans are not comfortable anymore … I’m betting I do stims for another week as it took awhile for them to grow last time too. I’m possibly at the half way point for stims though :)

Happy Friday!

Going through the motions

I’m now in my second IVF cycle (took first stim shot this morning) and I feel nothing. By nothing, I mean that it’s like a non-event. Last time I was full of hope as well as fear and had lots to think (and blog!) about. This time, it’s like I’m on auto-pilot. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting my hopes up or something but I literally feel nothing. Is that weird? I should be excited or scared or SOMETHING but for whatever reason, getting shots every morning and night and keeping secrets seems perfectly normal :)

Maybe that’s good - maybe that means my stress level will be lower this time …

What to do for Round 2?

Alright you lucky ladies who got a BFP - I want to poll you and see who did what as I’m curious :)

So … who did the following during IVF:

1) No caffeine

2) No alcohol

3) acupuncture

4) Ate lots of beans, berries, and wheatgerm

5) light exercise (walking)

6) Flax seed oil

*any other special foods or instructions or rituals (like ice after each shot!)

Thanks!

New IVF schedule

Nurse just sent me my new IVF schedule (start a week from Sat - flare). I’m starting to think that not an hour will go by without me getting a shot, taking a test, or popping a pill. Apparently they want to add DHEA to the mix (3 pills a day plus the steroid shots) so there go my hopes of being a professional athlete :)

I did read that DHEA can be used to help people lose weight and I almost did a cartwheel on the spot. If I actually lose weight and get pregnant through this - it will be the miracle of all miracles!